If you’ve been married more than 2.3 seconds, you know the fight is often not about what is being fought about. We all recognize that women and men can think about things very differently.
While women have traditionally been the nurturers, this isn’t the ancient days where lines are clearly drawn for responsibilities anymore. There are far more of us women working for an income, than not.
I’m a married 30-something year old, no kids, working on my husband’s multi-generational family farm and living our dream, most of the time. I’ve learned a lot in the decade we’ve been married and every day I learn more. While I am a strong, independent woman who can load grain, pull calves, run the equipment, do laundry, change oil, keep a somewhat clean house, do freelance writing on the side, and change a tire, it doesn’t mean that I don’t still want to be treasured, loved, and cherished by my husband, Matt.
Even though women are the “weaker” sex, I’m sure I can lift more than some men — and, yes, there are a lot of men that can lift far more than me. But because Matt sees that I am capable of doing just about any farm chores we have, it doesn’t mean that his help isn’t highly appreciated.
It may be that I’m not giving him the right signals during a situation, or else he’s not properly interpreting what I’m sending him. This can lead to frustration and conflict.
For example, when I’m overly emotional or less emotional than normal, it normally means I’m tired. When I’m angry and snap, it’s normally because I’m hungry or cold. When I’m nagging about the small things around the house, it’s normally because I’m feeling unseen.
Don’t get me wrong, there are real disagreements in all marriages. I can get angry with Matt about anything even when I’m not hungry. It’s just that sometimes the mental load I’m carrying manifests in ways that aren’t really connected to the actual problem. As women, when we aren’t taking care of basic needs — sleep, food, love in the way we need it, etc. — that load gets harder to carry.
Nourishment is not just food and water — it can be both mental and physical. If Matt isn’t taking care of me and loving me in a way that I can feel, my love language, I’m going to react to that. Sometimes that’s hard to voice. In my experience, it’s harder for men to explain why they’re feeling so defensive. After trying, failing, and trying again for a decade, I feel like I’m figuring out that when I have a meltdown, it’s not actually because Matt didn’t put his socks in the hamper, it’s because I’m feeling unseen and unloved. And I can vocalize that to Matt … usually.
Because Matt is a good-hearted person who loves me and wants a good marriage, he normally tries to reconnect with me in the ways I feel love. And he has come to recognize that the ways that I feel love are not the way that he feels love. When he’s lashing out at me more than normal, I know it’s because I’m not giving him the love that he needs how he feels it. We are not stagnant creatures. This is a never-ending evolution of learning what you’re feeling and why and being able to voice that with your spouse.
Just because we fall in to our old ruts, it doesn’t mean there is an intentionality of hurting the one we love, we just simply forget because life is hard.
This is not revolutionary. It’s obvious we feel love differently. Men, even though your wives are super women and doing all the things, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t treasure, love, and cherish her. Women just because the men are running multi-million dollar farming operations and can do it all, doesn’t mean they don’t want our admiration and respect. At the end of the day, we are all human.
We lash out at the person who is closest to us and who vowed to be with us through thick and thin. But remember, that person is also a person who needs to be taken care of as well.
Kelsey Pagel is a Kansas farmer. She grew up on a cow/calf and row crop operation and married into another. Kelsey and her Forever (Matt) farm and ranch with his family where they are living their dream and loving most of the moments.
